Let’s get in touch with our mind and body everyone. Yeah nah this week, we’re slowing things down with yoga. My first tip is that it’s really important to remember your breathing… I believe the words she said under those censorship bleeps were fuck and shit. Now she’s saying “Strewth. That bloody hurt. Why am I doing this? Who even am I? I smell like tiger balm and I need an ice pack.” That’s it. Relax the neck. Your brain is a calm blue ocean. Prepare your palms. Your hands are a dry sandy desert. Imagine your goals, aspirations, and ambitions. Imagine achieving them. Throw away all ya negative energy and ya problems. Raise your arms, charge towards a wall, hit it, and create new problems! Dogs take yoga very seriously. This one’s like: “Jennifer, you call that downward dog? Yeah, nah, put your balls into it. Make sure they salute the sun. I’m a dog, so yeah, I think I know how to do this pose properly. Oh the Invasive Starfish pose. Clearly this can be done anywhere! If you find yourself getting angry in peak hour traffic then yeah, just jump out of the car and start doing a three hour session to pass the time. “How many times do we have to go over this, Karen? Stretch your leg and HOOOLD. I could do it all year if I wanted to, I just have other shit to do is all. But it’s easy peasy. Don’t get cute with me.” Quit doing Yoga! Quit doing Yoga and play with me or I will straight up grab you in the Donald Trump, DONE. Steady breathing, Steady breathing. Steady breathing… Aw here’s a couple doing yoga together. Vomit. If I had to come up with a name for this particular pose I’d call it: Fuck Me That Drone is Awfully Close Ouch It Got Me. It’s a long name but it’s easy to remember. “Let’s do Yoga together” she said. “It will be super-duper relaxing.” she said. There is no way this guy does not wish he was at the pub smashing a mid strength beer and a steak sandwich right now. Dear me! Expert level unlocked. Fresh air PLUS yoga. Yeah this woman is attempting the bridge pose, quite literally on a bridge. There’s absolutely no chance of anything going wrong. She’s arching her back, she’s breathing, she’s doing everything right but her left leg is being an arsehole. She puts it down, regroups, inhales, exhales, tries to lift it again…actually, I no longer think this is part of the pose, I think she’s 100% stuck. She slowly tries to get unstuck and falls in the river. Unfortunately, there will be no Instagram content recorded for her today. Overall, this pug is my spirit animal. This is pretty much what I do when I get invited to a yoga class. And then I get kicked out and banned for life… which is fair enough.